Dirty little secrets

I have eluded to the fact that my world has not been all that great and the road not so smooth.

I have plenty of dirty little secrets in my closet, that for most of my life, I have gone through extreme measures to keep those secret very very very protected and locked up.

You see, I always feared people finding out the truth. The fear of what will they think of me, will they judge me –NO I know they will judge me–, what if what if what if! The fear of people knowing the “real” story of me was crippling. I spent much of my days portraying one persona while covering up the reality.

I grew up in a small town, Cocoa Beach, Florida.  Born and raised in this tiny little town. My dad had no filter- he still doesn’t.  So everyone in this small town always knew my business (our business).  They still do 🙂

Growing up I didn’t realize how people probably already knew my story, looking back I realize that my efforts and worry were futile because my dad was good about announcing everything to anyone anyways 🙂

So anyways, I would venture to say most of my childhood friends had no idea of exactly what my life was behind closed doors.  Then around my teen years I hit a patch where I just didn’t give a flying f**k and had no filter and spoke anything and everything that was on my mind.

Then I hit an age where I said, oh shit, what have I done.  Realizing too many people had learned of my dirty little secrets, I packed up and moved. I ran. It’s easy to run. Fresh start. Leave everything behind. But you know what, running doesn’t FIX ANYTHING.

It took me a few years to figure this out though. So I ran aka moved quite a few times before returning to Cocoa Beach to face “my shit”.

I am now 36 years old.  From the ages of 17ish-present I have struggled with the flip flopping of talking and being open vs. PROTECT YOUR SECRETS AT ALL COSTS. It would come and go in waves.  Only a few of my deepest closest friends knew the truth.

I would analyze and reflect to determine why I was so worried if people knew the truth and it always came back to a few things: being judged, what will people think, can’t hide behind false perceptions anymore, no take backs, will my reputation be tarnished, the list goes on BUT it really all boils down to my concern of society and what they would think of me. I mean heaven forbid someone knows that my life isn’t PERFECT and that I am human and have my trials and tribulations and succeed and fail sometimes. Heaven forbid I AM NOT PERFECT RATHER I AM HUMAN!!

I was always so so concerned with my image and professionalism that I didn’t allow myself to be open about what made me who I am and what I am.  About 2 years ago my name was trashed online.  After spending my life personally and professionally keeping my image 100% —boom there it is my name trashed online.  Attacking my looks, my professional, my character, my person— the exact things I have spent my life maintaining.  I am not going to lie— what came next was deep deep dark days for me.  Wind knocked out of me, can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t breathe.  It wasn’t pretty at all. My closest friends will tell you- I was unrecognizable in both my personality and demeanor.  The online attacks came only a few months after the personal behind the scenes attacks that followed on the heels of a gruesome vicious discovery about my husband’s latest affair.

Life was a blur for many months. I reacted and responded in ways that I am definitely not proud of and quite honestly never knew possible for me.  I will tell you this, devastation and tragedy and sheer desperation will cause you to act in unexpected ways.

I slowly, very very slowly, started digging up from the grave I had fallen into and what began to happen  was freeing and amazing.  While I am not happy about the events that transpired, I will say that they forced me to make a choice 1) stay in the grave and live a oh so tragic and depressing existence or 2)grab myself by the bootstraps and pull myself up from the pit of despair like I had done so many times before in my life.  ONLY this time I was determined to also do something I had never had the strength to do before and that was STOP HIDING! STOP PRETENDING! START TALKING OPENLY and FREELY!

And that is exactly what I did.  Somewhere along the way in this journey I found myself with an opportunity to compete for a spot on American Grit season 2 with John Cena…..AND I DID IT!!! Boom, talk about sticking to your guns. I mean doesn’t get much more serious and businesslike then taking your “shit” to national tv and being 100% open and forthcoming!!! I have to tell you it has been a freeing experience.

When I tell you that I have not one BUT 2 Master’s degrees, own my own Licensed Private Investigation Agency,  am a college professor, a certified positive discipline educator…. what picture do you paint? What do you think of me? Think about it, go ahead draw some conclusions?

So let’s talk about these dirty little secrets for a minute.

  • I am a former foster care kid! My first stint in foster care was at the age of 8 and it was not a good situation. As a teen I was shuffled to so many foster homes and group homes, that I lost count.
  • I divorced my parents aka emancipated to get out of the foster care system.— up until recently my own children (including my almost 18 year old) had ZERO idea that I had ever been in foster care!
  • I am a survivor of sexual abuse and child abuse WHICH MEANS I was also a victim.
  • My mother abandoned me….. and when she did every so often pop back into my life, it wasn’t good.  She is a piece of work and has been a driving force in a prime example of the type of mother I don’t want to be.
  • I have been homeless as a kid.
  • I had my first child at the age of 18! By the time my son (now 17) was 6 weeks old, his dad had taken off and left us.
  • In 6th grade I was an attempted kidnapping victim
  • I have witnessed indecent exposure (ie grown men pulling up next to me as a kid and “jerking” it) several times. I had the smarts enough to grab the tag number, call 911, and later identify them. One of them sticks in my head to this day, as a Lockheed Martin employee with a family who had been caught more then once. To this day I pass the hotel where I id him from a cop car and I think about that.  I have always wondered what happened to him… meaning if he went to jail.
  • As an adult, I found myself in a domestically violent relationship that ultimately ended up with the man waiting for me in my home with a loaded gun one evening.
  • As an adult, I found myself in a marriage I was so so very lonely in but to crippled with fear and self doubt to stand up for myself and leave.
  • I struggle with letting people walk all over me like a door mat.
  • I struggle with not feeling good enough, wanted, loved etc.
  • In my marriage I experienced infidelity multiple times and I can say the devastation of infidelity rocks you to your core and drives you to heartbreaking places
  • I DIDN’T GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL, yep this 2 master’s degree individual has a GED!!!
  • I hope to go to PhD school one day, life dream and goal!

 

Statistics say I should be a hot mess! Have multiple kids, a criminal record, dropped out of high school, not gone to college etc.  Don’t get me wrong I have some hot mess issues and moments but all things considered I am a pretty well put together, well rounded individual! I am the first in my entire family to go to and graduate college.  I put myself through college (AA, BA, MS, MA plus a massage therapy license).

I have come a long way worrying about and protecting my “dirty little secrets”.  I later went to work for DCF as an investigator, the same exact office that had come and investigated my home and removed me so many times over. The same office that had assisted with bouncing me from home to home.  I have worked many years to face my past and find my voice but it has been a whole new level of work since August 2015 when my world crashed in on me in unthinkable unimaginable heartbreakingly painful ways.  I have found a voice and although sometimes I want to put duct tape over that voice, I have realized that there is freedom and growth in finding your voice and owning your journey.  Owning the events in your world that have made you who you are and brought you where you are today.

So, I’m putting it all out there. If my story reaches one person in a positive way then it is worth it! I am putting it all out there and am no longer concerned with what my name looks like online or on paper, or what others may think of me, or being judged because if you take the time to get to know me in real life then you will truly KNOW ME! Not the events that are part of my story!

 

Betrayed by love not by life—sharing

As a therapist I have had countless couples and individuals in my office whose lives had been forever changed by infidelity.  Infidelity cuts you to the core in ways you never knew possible. 

Sharing this from site called betrayed by love but not by life (I couldn’t find the original link)

A reader was so kind to send this to me.
If you have ever been cheated on, this is a must read:

The betrayed wife, after discovering an affair, takes such a hit to her self-esteem, and she questions what it was about the other woman that was so attractive to her husband. Was she sexier? Was she better, somehow? Why did the other woman get the best parts, when she was left with the worst of her …wayward husband? The truth is, that is not how this works. She is not better, or more attractive. She does not get the best parts of the husband.

What’s attractive about the other woman is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure wayward husband wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to take down. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath him, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is … they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner – it’s just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. What’s inside, is no match for you, the faithful wife. You’re beautiful, and strong and probably the mother of his children. The truth is, the other woman could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little that wayward husband offers to them.

She accepts the very worst parts of the wayward husband; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash and has no conscience. She has no self-esteem because she knows her value … her value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd. She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack – and it’s at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, it’s just a matter of time before someone singles her out, and uses her for his own selfish reasons in his quest to be admired.

So what happens when we catch him with her?

Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear. In the end, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not the betrayed spouses’. After all, she wasn’t able to keep him even considering he was in a “bad” marriage to a “unloving wife”. Because isn’t that the way it always is? How pathetic that she’s given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101.

Retake your position at the front of the pack, betrayed wife. More often than not, it’s you he’s fighting for; it’s you he’s sorry for; it’s you he’s trying to be a better man for. Regain your strength. Retake your rightful place.

Betrayal hurts, I know. Boy, do I know. But remember, when they find someone weak enough to have an affair with, they always affair down. The other woman had to be broken deep inside in order to crawl in bed with a married man and except your leftovers instead of being strong enough to find an unattached man on her own. She had to be so broken to not care about you, the faithful wife, the children who would be wounded and all the lives destroyed by her actions and participation… and I bet she will not accept any responsibility for those actions. She will hold her hands up in false innocence when the curtain is pulled back to reveal the disgusting acts she committed against your family.

Betrayed wife, hold your head high. YOU were strong enough to remain faithful and love a man who used your trust for his own selfish desires. He has devastated your life, but you can end the pain you are feeling. Use the strength inside you to pick up the pieces and begin living again. And if you are the rare gem who has decided to give your wayward husband the precious gift of a second chance, I applaud you. YOU are invincible in your strength and courage. Take a deep breath, dry your tears for the millionth time and carry on, my dear. Because nothing can keep you down for long.